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PRESS RELEASE: STOKE TRAVEL TO BE CLOWN-FREE BY 2019
Stokepedia
PRESS RELEASE: STOKE TRAVEL TO BE CLOWN-FREE BY 2019
BARCELONA, SPAIN: after listening to our customers and taking their concerns seriously, Stoke Travel has announced plans to be clown-free within three years. Citing the public’s “very real concerns” about packs of murderous clowns terrorising the general public, and the vast majority of Stoke’s clientele deriving from said public, Stoke Travel’s CEO and founder, Tobias Paramor, released a statement regarding the company’s stance on the clowning craze.
“There’s fucking what? Clowns getting around America and Australia scaring people? That’s a bit-fucking-ridiculous, isn’t it? Yeah, of course we’ll be clown free, but not because clowns are any real threat, but because we run events for adults, I mean, what’s a clown going to do at Stoke? Make a camel out of inflated condoms? Humorously overfill an Oktoberfest tent with amorous partygoers? Watch me pull a bad decision out of my hat. Stokies already do that themselves, they don’t need a clown’s help.
“Aren’t these guys dressing up as clowns just bored Internet trolls whose parents told them to get out of the basement and get some fresh air? ‘The Great Unsexed’, seeking to fill the void of attention that a barren love life has left them with. Stoke doesn’t see this as being a threat to anyone’s safety, so we’re not banning clowns for that, it’s just that this whole thing is a little… I don’t know… lame?
“But look, if people are honestly scared of clowns we’ll ban them, because if there’s one thing we like it’s people turning up to our events. Fucking ban all the fucking clowns, piss them off, no more clowns. Easy. Done. Stoke Travel will be a clown-free zone, but look, it’s going to take a bit of time to implement, because with the colourful rag-tag outfits and face painting and ludicrous/hilarious behaviour 80% of Stoke staff are one colourful wig and/or red nose away from being clowns themselves. Let’s say by 2019.
“Fucking clowns, fuck me dead, of all the things going on in the world people are scared of goddamn clowns.”
Tagged with: clown attack, clowns, press release, Stoke Travel
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