If You Do Any Of These Things In a Hostel You’re a Dickhead

Stokepedia

Play Wonderwall On Your Guitar At 6 am (to be fair, at any time)

We get it, you play the guitar. You’re a free wanderer, a hippy traveller and you feel super cool setting the chill vibes at the hostel with your sick guitar skills. What you don’t realise is that everybody wants to take that guitar and smack you over the head with it. Trust us, no matter how good you are, nobody wants to hear you play Riptide, or any of the other crappy hits guaranteed to be butchered by acoustic-wielding sociopaths, for the hundredth time at 6 o’clock in the morning.

Rustle Your Bags Loudly In The Middle Of The Night

These are for the people that didn’t think it was a good idea to pack their bags the night before they were leaving. But decided to leave it to the wee hours of the morning to loudly unzip your bag, remove all its contents and rustle in what sound like the loudest plastic bag in the world. Make sure you take the time the night before to sort your stuff out, it’s basic hostel etiquette.

Get Freaky In The Rooms.

It’s happened to every traveller, you hear the unmistakable sign of the squeaking bunk beds and hushed giggles and you know you’re in for a sleepless and uncomfortable night. Come on people, there are showers, laundry rooms and stairwells you can use,  just don’t use the room where there are ten other ears and eyes. It’s awkward for everyone who’s not involved, and why would you want an audience anyway?

Snore – Sorry, We Know You Can’t Help It, But We Still Hate You.

If you know that you’re a loud snorer – don’t book a public room! It sounds harsh, but if you’ve ever laid awake in your bed, glaring at the ceiling, while listening to what sounds like a motorbike revving, then you’ll get where we’re coming from. Yes, it’s more expensive, but if you book a private room you won’t have everyone in your dorm hating you and staring daggers at you as soon as you wake up.

By the way, it’s VERY hard to make friends with your roommates when you’re the designated snorer. So give fair warning, treat your roomies to some drinks at the bar or hand out earplugs and it will keep your fellow travellers from smothering you in your sleep.

Snooze Your Alarm Ten Million Times

It’s like you’re asking to be hated. If you don’t feel like getting up the first time, just turn it off, or risk the phone going out the window. Don’t wake everyone else up in the room nine times before you’re ready to get out of bed. Or what’s worse, when they leave the room to go have a shower and their alarm goes off while they’re gone! Nobody wants to touch a stranger’s phone. If you’ve got an alarm set for 8 am, why would you take a shower before then??

Boring Small Talk

Ok, you’re not exactly a dickhead for small talk, but just know that it’s super dull and no interesting conversation ever starts with “so, where are you from?”

Conversations with fellow travellers can be interesting and eye-opening, why not ask, “What’s the craziest thing you’ve done on your travels?” or “Are you going to the San Vino wine fight this summer?” Trust us, a way better conversation will follow rather than you both informing each other on where you were born.

Being a Trash Human and Eating Other Peoples Food

I get it, we’re all skint on cash and it’s tempting when you see perfectly edible food just sitting there… and there’s no one around. I guess we’ve all been there a few times, but have you ever bought something delicious to eat, and you’re excited all day to open the fridge and see the beautiful Chinese leftovers that you put aside? Or maybe that incredibly made sandwich you prepared the night before… only to find it GONE? That feeling of despair, anger and disappointment does things to a person. It changes you.

Stumbling in Ridiculously Drunk and Vomit On Your Mattress At 4 am

Have you ever woken up to the stench of vomit, mixed with body odour from the guy who stumbled in the night before? I have. And it’s not the best start to your morning. Not only will the vomit guy probably get kicked out of the room for being a drunken asshole, but you’ll also get a reputation in the hostel for being “the vom guy”. And you don’t want to be “the vom guy”. He never gets invited out.

No, Please, Turn All The Lights On, IT’S NOT LIKE WE’RE SLEEPING OR ANYTHING

Yeah why not, we love having the blinding fluorescent light in our faces at 2 am! For the sake of everyone’s sanity, use the torch on your phone or be subject to a horde of angry, sleep-deprived backpackers. You’ve been warned.

So There You Have It…

Nine simple rules of how to not be a dickhead while travelling. If you do come across these people (you definitely will, it’s inevitable) then remember that this is a normal part of hostel life, and it’s frowned upon in most countries to chloroform someone to sleep.

By Sophie Nicolas