REPORT: Despite Ongoing Political Instability, Separatist Riots, Police Brutality, Petty Crime, Terrorist Threats, HIgh Cost Of Living, Pollution And Overcrowding, Barcelona Somehow Remains The Best City In The World
Spain, Catalunya, Spain (?): in spite of all the bullshit that has gone on in the Catalan capital over the past 12 months, it has been confirmed that Barcelona is still somehow the best darn city in the whole world.
The Mediterranean port city – known for its “best ever” 1992 Olympics, that Veronica Catherine Barcelona movie by Woody Allen, and the time your friend Jennifer studied abroad there – dealt with a lot of crap in 2017/2018 but still remains the number one place you could possibly be on earth.
The United Nations head of good places, Ban Young Kim, confirms. “Yes, Barcelona hasn’t shifted from its spot at the top of the Heaps Good Places You Need To Be In index, despite the piles of shit the city dealt with last year. Barcelona’s always had problems – the pickpockets, a beach that is essentially a dirty ashtray and drug dealers selling flour – but this year was exceptionally challenging.
“It all started with the anti-tourist riots in the beginning of the 2017 summer, that saw kids harassing visitors on buses and eating in restaurants rather than taking on the big businesses that profit from increased tourism without passing the dividends on to the people.
“Then terrorists attacked the heart of tourist Barcelona – targeting La Rambla, the one street in the city where locals never go. Just as the city was healing from the attack, the Catalan government held a one-sided referendum on independence that was met with disproportionate violence by the Spanish police, plunging the city into months of rallies from both sides of the debate that shut down large parts of the city, rioting, police responding to the protests with force, a political stalemate due to local elections failing to produce a clear winner, and generally just piles and piles of caka.
“But still, in the face of all that fecal matter, Barcelona has stayed as the number one, top of the chart, fully sick, best damn place that you’d want to be. It doesn’t matter how grim the political situation here is, how expensive rent is, how jammed the centre of the city is with tourists, none of that matters when you’re simply walking around this wonderful city, taking in the sights, falling in love 10 times on each city block, stopping on a terrace for a sneaky vermouth, having a vino-soaked dinner in whichever bar or restaurant you stumble upon, and finishing the night losing your marbles in any of the city’s clubs.
“We cannot repeat this often enough, but to anybody who is apprehensive about coming to Barcelona after seeing all the mierda that has gone on there over the last little while, anyone who may be doubting whether to come to Barcelona or not, we say to you to stop being such a little bitch and get over here. The city is still as rad as ever, maybe more so as everybody is more invested in having a good time given the utter shitshow that has been regional politics recently. The city is beautiful, and alive and while you will probably still get pickpocketed and the streets haven’t lost the overwhelming stank of stale piss, you will still have the best time of your life while you’re here, that’s a guarantee.”