Blackmail & Bumming Around The World
Stoke Travel’s After-Grog-Blog-Blackmail around the world
“You think of travelers as bold, but our guilty secret is that travel is one of the laziest ways on earth of passing the time. Travel is not merely the business of being bone-idle, but also an elaborate bumming evasion, allowing us to call attention to ourselves with our conspicuous absence while we intrude upon other people’s privacy being actively offensive as fugitive freeloaders”
– Paul Theroux (whistleblower). Bumming around the world isn’t so bad… I guess.
We hear you buddy. Stoke Travel has you worked out. We’ll be ebooking your grandma and mumspacing your dad and pinstering your brother to the ground and dry tumbling your dirty, dirty washing and facespacing your instogram and then, buddy, your jig is up. You’ll have to go back to your work and your cubicle back home, using the one way you use to release the wanderlust, and the work/alcohol-induced tension you feel constantly. Urinate in the corner, and on that one intern who doesn’t speak English, (I know you can’t read this “Brian”).
Well, there is good news my bladder diseased friend, and that news is “Brian is fired now”, so it is time to go traveling around the world again.
Bring your friends and your family and your pets. Hell, even bring Brian with you. We like him, even though you don’t.That’s how Stoke Travel “works” (ed. note, check if Stoke Travel works). We are here for you and we are here to keep your
travel bumming secret. Not the other bumming secret. Ho ho! We can’t wait to tell your friends about that one!
Yeah, you’re doing something European, hombre. It’s worthwhile, culturally important, culturally significant, and the funniest and most culturally lubricated time is halfway through already! Summer! So come lubricate us, socially.
What did you think we meant when we said socially lubricated?
Because our first thought was amateur hill slip slides. Because we are, like you, also five years old.
Tell your mum, I’ll tell her too, (she’s with me right now). Like when I told her you were at my house when you were at that party one time in high school. We are in this together bro! Broho. Bro-no from U2. Brotato. Brokeback mountain. Broston marathon bromber.
But you have to do something for us, since we will keep your travel bumming a secret for so long… Or we’ll broadcast your smooth bum to all the world as if we were Anne Geddes. We miss your faces and we want to see you again. Let’s go on a trip around the world. There’s so many things coming up, you have to liver your life the way you want to liver it. No one else can tell you how to live the liver you want to liver.
“It’s not alcoholism, it’s a Mediterranean lifestyle” – You, to your Mother.
Have you ever hated a stranger so much you wanted to throw a stupid fruit right into his stupid face? The guy who didn’t get out of the way in the supermarket, or didn’t know what he wanted to order, even though he was front of the line? Until the tears poured down his little cheeks and you laughed at his tiny infantile body and then his mother took him away and told you to fight with someone your own age? Yes? Then let’s go to La Tomatina! The world’s biggest food fight, where you can facefruit whoever you see. Book now, and you have time to practice at home or in your local kindergarten.
Have you ever wanted to drink beer all day and join a fun fair filled with half arsed roller coasters, crap ghost “trains” and beer and jumping castles with beer and beer on the beer with beer? Let’s Oktoberfest! With beer! You don’t have to be beer for us to have fun but we hope you’ll be here and we will be’er’ too. So you might as well beer? All the rounds are on us! Who said beer? You? Good ibeer. Book now for a free beer. Have you ever wanted to join the circus but only learnt to blow fire by watching that YouTube video once and not even your mother was impressed and she went back to drinking her fifth cocktail and third valium of the day? Then she accidentally exhaled when she was lighting her cigarette and she did a better job than you? We had the same problem! Join the Rolling Circus and beat mother at her own game. It’s the famous “hop in hop off hop on hop around European travel trip time”. Cirque du Soleil and that Russian Circus where they use drugged up animals called us “morally reprehensible”. We didn’t understand that either, but hey… French and Russians.
Crazy right? Can I get a hell da?
We don’t want to be your clingy girlfriend/boyfriend, hey, we’ve already cheated on you with tens of thousands of people this year who also traveled around the world, but we invited you to the orgiastic frenzy every time, so you can’t say we didn’t ever warn you.
If you want half price on any of our trips: bring along five friends to travel around the world, if you want a free trip, hell, bring ten friends! See if we
even care. We won’t get jealous if you won’t.
Just keep us involved. For every person who sends a photo naked in the populated cleaning aisle of a supermarket, you get
a free Stoke shirt. Clean yourselves up afterwards with the products.
For the one who sends us a photo of them naked, railing into the Eiffel Tower or Pissaing on the tower of Pisa, or finger bangin’ the Statue of Liberty, or Planking on top of the Pyramids; you’ll get a free trip of your choice. Because we like you, and we like how creative you are, so let’s create a creatively, sexually based friendship, and we’ll provide benefits. Not healthcare though, our insurance doesn’t cover where you’ve been. (If you know what we mean).
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