BREAKING: Stoke Travel Bans Donald Trump From All Future Events

The notoriously poor travel company declares that it don’t want his stinkin’ money

BARCELONA, SPAIN

In an unprecedented move, Stoke Travel has banned Donald Trump from all future Stoke Travel events and destinations. Never in the decade that Stoke Travel has operated have we felt the need to ban an individual from all of our products, but Donald Trump is so relentless in his fuckwittery that we found we had no other option.

Stoke Travel’s chairman of the board, Wade Gravy, explains. “Look, we’re not seppos, so we’re unable to vote in the upcoming presidential election, but we really felt like we had to participate somehow in this unholy shitshow.

“So we’re going to hit The Donald where it hurts him and ban him for life from all future Stoke Travel events – including Barcelona boat parties, Stoketoberfest, Moroccan Magic Week – the whole fucken shebang.

“We just couldn’t take his bullshit anymore. From even before this presidential run we were sure that the guy was a complete fuckwit, what with his tiny mouth and baby hands, his fake tan and even faker hairpiece, but then he started to dominate the news cycle with one ‘can you believe this cunt?’ story after another. It’s been relentless. Never has the world been gifted such an utter fucknuckle, and to be frank this breed of pelican is not welcome at Stoke Travel.

“We try to provide arsehole-free events for people, spaces where even the most miserable ballbags can come and have a fun time, and we’re afraid that Trump would completely destroy everything we’ve worked towards.

“Can you imagine him, groping all of the female guests and getting into puerile pissing contests with everybody. Nobody beerbongs like I do. Nobody wants to, you goddamn cheese-beanie, you tipped half the bastard out, and it’s probably half lemonade, you pothole.

“Stoke has long prided itself on being a truly international company, run mostly by Australians. We welcome people from all over the world, and due to many of our guests having dubious relationships with their tourist visas, we believe in building bridges, not walls.

“So yeah, Trump isn’t welcome, and any Stoke Travel trips that may have been booked by Trump will be cancelled without refund. He keeps on bragging about how rich he is, so thanks for the donation, pal.”

Donald Trump wasn’t approached for comment, but would probably blame the Clintons, Mexicans, Muslims, blacks, gays, Republicans, poor people, women, the media, or anyone but himself, for having the dishonour of being the first person banned from a travel company that is literally desperate for more guests.