6 Unexpected Delights of Stoketoberfest
Why Stoketoberfest is the StoketoberBEST
It has been said that the Stoketoberfest campsite has better craic than Ireland, Lowenbrau Beer Hall and Woodstock combined. Here are the six secret herbs and spices which, along with some other even more secret herbs and spices, will make Stoketoberfest the time of your life.
1. The wheel of misfortune
The world hasn’t seen an ice-breaker like this since the Titanic. Even the Stokies who’d never queue for a shower or conventional toilet will line ’round the block for this bad boy, and with prizes to be won including Kiss a Stokie, Swap Clothes and Nudie Run it’s easy to see why. You’ll spot it in the Stoke arena, surrounded by a mass of chanting, half-naked revellers, slightly reminiscent of that Lord of the Flies scene where they KILL-THE-PIG. Try your luck, we dare you.
2. The chicken nugget machine
Of course your breakfast and dinner are included, but sometimes you oversleep and pass-out and miss the meals prepared by your incredibly good-looking, skilled and hygienic Stoke kitchen team. Never fear, the chicken nugget machine is here! Towards the front of the campsite, this mythical beast asks only €6 and gives a surprise amount of processed white-meat bites in return, fresh from the freezer and into the frier. Don’t trust it? Try the chip machine instead.
3. The Doozy Brothers
You wake and stumble, bleary-eyed, from your tent because some jack-ass is playing Darude’s Sandstorm at 8 in the morning. You limp into the Stoke arena and spot the instant coffee station… Every now and then you fall apart and this is one of those thens because you’re from Melbourne and you simply cannot start the day without your Ethiopian single-origin and you’re trying not to cry because people will judge you and there’s a lump in your throat and you’re welling up oh it’s humiliatin… WAIT! Is that a man bun? And a coffee truck?! Yes, those are the Doozy Brothers (& Sister), and they can make you a latte/macchiato/muggacino OR, if you’re trying to reclaim your lost dignity after that teary in front of the hottie in the dirndl, opt for one of their hair-o’-the-dog options so strong it will melt your morning glory right out of sight. Delicious.
4. The Stoke Swag tent
You arrive at Stoketoberfest, everyone is looking hot AF in their traditional kit and you’ve been shredding all year for this and want to join them. Great news – you don’t need to go into Munich and spend €300 on a dirndl/lederhosen when you’ve got the Stoke Swag tent and team at your disposal. There are racks of dirndls to make your rack look not-whack, and rows of ‘hosen to make your hose look not-frozen. The teams will gladly advise you on size, style, and which colour best brings out your eyes. You can also purchase Stoke merchandise so everyone will know you’re a Stokie, and thus offer you things that they would not offer to other people such as beer and sexual favours.
5. The Music
The Rubics may have left the beer-crate stage and returned to Kiwi-land, but the party don’t stop at Stoketoberfest thanks to our highly-acclaimed disc-jockeys and MCs. Sip your first beer to the tunes of morning shows such as “Aborted Foetus”, return from the halls and get down to the sounds of Josh “You Spin Me Right Round Like a Record Baby Right Round Round Round” Cain. The tunes are interspersed with melodious Spanish fiesta chants, cries of “Dicks out for Harambe” and team-building activities directed by Stokies with megaphones, making Stoketoberfest a 24/7 aural delight.
6. The campsite owner
Some people struggle to enjoy themselves because they fret about silly things such as the relative security of living in a tent. Once you see this robe-clad patriarch patrolling the tent-rows in his golf buggy, you’ll leave all your worries behind and join the golden flow of beers, bratwursts and ugly-bumping.
Written by the Hobos