Eight things that WILL happen to you at Oktoberfest.

Yeah, you’ll drink beer. But plenty of other things will happen to your sorry arse too…

 

Europe boasts a frightening amount of festivals throughout the year. Some celebrate history, some celebrate religion, some celebrate music. But Stoke – we hear you say – which one, of all the ones, should I go to?! Well, there is only one subject matter that truly unites people from all over the globe, that surely never started a war. Something that everyone agrees on. What could this possibly be, you may ask. Beer, my friends. Beer. And the biggest beer festival in the world lies right in one German city called Munich. Maybe you have heard of it. It’s called Oktoberfest and it’s fan-bloody-tastic. You know that if you go you’ll be drinking beer there. But what else WILL happen to you?

 

You WILL enter a state of inebriation

No one ever went into an Oktoberfest thinking that they’d have a dry September. That is absolutely ludicrous. A little-known fact about Oktoberfest is that even a whisper of the word sobriety will have the entire beer tent turning against you and forcing you to chug a beer (or maybe that’s just the Stokies). Why else do you think the beers are so damn big? It’s time to simply accept that no matter how hard you try to ‘pace’ yourself with the one-litre mass, it ain’t going to stop you from getting, as Ke$ha so aptly put it, slizzard. Ride that golden, fermented river all the way to tipsy-town. No matter how badly you blunder here, it is unlikely that you or anyone else in the Beer Halls are going to remember anyway.

You WILL spill beer on someone or have beer spilled on you

Very relevant to the previous point. What do you think happens when you throw 6,000 drunk people inside a tent and start a drinking chant that has the majority linking arms and swaying their glasses around like a horse on too much ketamine? Here’s hoping you didn’t spend bulk cash on those dirndl/lederhosen because they’re getting dirty. Luckily for you, the body-to-body density of the halls mean there is a certain sense of anonymity when its comes to sloshing your beer on someone, if you’re quick enough. And, for your anti-spilling convenience, the beers come just as you like sex. With lots of head.

You WILL make new friends

Remember that time you tried to pick up at the cluurrrb but your prey just wasn’t vibing as hard as you were? Well you’re in luck. Everyone in the beer halls is here to have a good time with a bunch of friends or with a hall full of strangers. And thanks to a little liquid luck, you might find yourself chatting to that breasty beauty opposite you. Or the old drunken German who has seen a thousand Oktoberfests. Whether it is in the queue for the bathrooms, whether you’re holding their hair back or whether you simply have the same language, Oktoberfest friendships are a-plenty.

You WILL sing along to songs you don’t know

We’re not talking tacky Karaoke here. Drunk you will literally give zero f*cks about the fact that you cannot speak German as the hall erupts into a chorus of something something Prosit something. As the songs continuously play, you’ll eventually learn at least the gist of the tune and as long as you can time your swaying along with everyone else (which, once two beers down, is a more difficult task that you may think) no one will be able to tell you’re just screaming into the air.

You WILL eat some tasty chow

The Germans just do things that you can eat and drink so damn well. In not too many other places in the world can you drink a beer as pure and delicious as in Germany. And for eons, they have perfected exactly what the seasoned drinker wants to enjoy with their yeasty beverage. Breads, salts, fats and MEATS. Excessive emphasis on the word MEATS. Post-Oktoberfest, your body will no longer stand for that late-night kebab, and you’ll find yourself wandering the streets in search of that elusive 4am Pork Knuckle. And if you want to tantalise your taste buds a little early, check out our guide to Lining the gut.

You WILL dress up

We know you’ve all seen photos of Oktoberfest. See how everyone is wearing traditional dirndl and lederhosen? That’s because you pretty much have to. Or the Oktoberfest gods will seek vengeance and strike you down with a serious case of projectilevomitus. Although we know it’s nearly the end of a European summer and your bank account is silently weeping, scratch a little further into your debt and get yourself some traditional garments. It’s fun, it’s relatively inexpensive (if you buy some with Stoke!) and it will guarantee you bulk Insta likes. Everybody loves a good stein and dirndl rack or too-small lederhousen on da ‘Gram. FACT.

You WILL line up to pee

No matter how many times you take your rosaries and tell yourself that “thou shalt not break thy seal,” it is an ultimately inevitable outcome of chugging mass amounts of beer. The feeling will hit you pretty fast as your body gives way to your bladder and you’ll be dashing to those WCs with your legs more twisted than the pretzel you just ate. Unfortunately, a thousand other people all decided this was their time to shine too, so prepare to dance the ‘i’m-about-to-wet-myself’ dance in the queue with a bunch of others who poorly timed their bodily functions. Hot tip: if you slosh enough beer onto your crotch front, no one will even notice.

You WILL have a blast

If SOMEHOW post-delicious beer consumption, post-pork knuckle, post-drinking songs, post-friend-making, post-everything you’re still thinking Oktoberfest was a little I could still make more party, join Stoke back at the campsite to continue the antics and frivolity well into the night/morning. With us your Oktoberfest weekend will blur into a seamless panorama of indistinguishable faces, steins, psychedelic lights and bier fuelled-orgies, spinning around and around like Rose and Jack in the scene in the Titanic. When you stumble onto that bus back to wherever-the-fuck-you-came-from come Monday morning, you won’t remember anything you did anyway.  

 

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WRITTEN BY THE HOBOS.

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