Five Silver Linings to Going Home
Dry your eyes, home bound travellers. Can’t you see your cup is half full?
Every cloud has a silver lining, including that turbulence riddled grey behemoth you’re going to fly through on your way back to wherever you came from.
1. Health care
That rash that has been coming and going from different parts of your body for months. That cough which became a chest infection which might even be pneumonia now. That abnormally thick discharge coming from… Never mind. We all encounter health problems on the road, and make little effort to fix them other than a quick trip to the local apotheke/farmacia to balk at prices and declare I can’t read anything on these packets! If you are privileged enough to be able to travel for funsies, chances are you come from a relatively wealthy country and upon returning to it you will have access to some form of health care system – Medicare? NHS? Pharmacies where you can read the packets? – which will allow you to treat your ailments without spending €200 you don’t have. You might miss all those BFFs you made overseas, but you’re unlikely to miss the chronic tinea.
This ties in with our first point about not being able to afford medical attention. You can’t afford anything. You have approximately $20 left of whatever your home currency is, and that needs to be budgeted strictly so your can buy food at the airport, aka a spot to nap, at a dumpling restaurant during your 10-hour lay-over with China Southern. You didn’t bother to organise any working visas before leaving home, you overstayed your tourist visa and you committed some minor crimes, meaning you could barely expect to not be deported, let alone secure gainful employment. Time to go home, go crawling back to that cunting manager you were tempted to burn bridges with but didn’t because you foresaw this happening, and slowly start getting your finances in order. This will take some time, seeing as you are indebted to three family members, two friends and five different banks, so the sooner you get started the sooner your anxiety will abate.
3. Family/friends/parents. Even the ones you hate.
Sure, you met some great people overseas, but you also met some absolute fuckwads. You’ll make so many friend travelling, everyone said. You’ll meet so many like-minded people. Well, sometimes. But in Morocco you got stuck listening to that douche-bag with a ukelele, and in Munich you found yourself with an Instagram fiend in-tow who clearly only wanted you for your ability to take eight million photos of them posing with steins. Sure, there are people who grind your gears at home, but in the words of Kylie Minogue, Better the devil you know. And at least you have a bedroom you can lock yourself in when it all gets too much.
You ordered grilled fish and it came out a whole, fried sea monster swallowing its own tail. You ordered a cappuccino and got a pile of overly-aerated froth with some sort of sweet, milky browness swilling in the bottom of the cup. You ordered a vodka and ended up in hospital, blinded by methanol poisoning. What gives, foreign lands? Culinary experiences are great and all, but sometimes all you want in life is to blow your house deposit on smashed avo on toast and a strong latte. Now you can.
5. Change of season
If you’re the sort of intrepid traveller who plans your trips around your top priorities – lying on a sun-drenched beach while poor people and migrants try to sell you things – and we think you are, then you probably began your trip in summer. Meaning you’re probably returning home to summer. Sure, you’ve put on so much weight that the idea of being in public in your swimsuit induces a panic attack, but that won’t take long to lose. Besides, your tan will now only deepen, and we all know black is slimming. The Endless Summer isn’t just a cool ’60s surf doco, it’s your life now, dude.