REPORT: You’re A Much Better Person When You’re Drunk
A long-term study conducted across everybody everywhere forever has confirmed that you are actually a better version of yourself drunk than sober.
The study supports what we’ve long believed about ourselves, and acts as an official justification for having “just one more” repeatedly, until having one more is no longer an option.
The scienticians behind the study have found that when drunk absolutely everybody achieves personal bests in the key performance indicators (KPIs) of attractiveness, humour and dancing ability, otherwise known as the three pillars of being awesome.
“The study shows that even just one standard drink will make you a better person, be it a beer, wine or tequila shot, and that it’s effective any time of day,” explained lead scientist, Dave Boon. “We have shown that people who put Baileys in their morning coffee can start the day being the best possible version of themselves and continue on that high throughout the day just by regular topping up with a cheeky shandy here or there.”
But while the studies into day drinking will be comforting to some of the more seasoned partiers, or pretty much anybody on holidays, it’s the unequivocal findings into having a tipple at nighttime that will appeal to most drinkers.
“When somebody heads out at night in a social situation, we have found that not only does having drink make them a better person, it often makes them the only version of themself that can survive in that socialising environment – when they were sober just the idea of going into the club filled them with dread, but after few drinks it was almost like they were born to do it. Just like a fish’s gills enable them to live in an underwater environment, our studies show that drinking alcohol gives people the tools necessary to survive socially.”
The study was completed by asking people what they thought of themselves while sober and then compared the responses with the same questions asked while drunk. Without fail the participants thought that they were more physically attractive, absolutely hilarious and devastating on the dancefloor after a few drinks, while on the contrary they often didn’t think they were much to look at, not funny at all and too embarrassed to dance when dry.
Critics of the study have raised concerns that just taking someone’s opinion of themselves is unethical, as while they may think they’re killing it, literally everybody around them may think that they’re acting like a complete dick. They propose that in order to do a more complete study, people should be at least forced to watch videos of their drunk selves the next day, preferably whilst in the grips of a particularly regret-filled hangover.
But Boon was dismissive of the criticisms. “We would ask anybody who doesn’t believe in the study to have a few drinks and then tell us how they feel. We guarantee that they’ll agree with us that they’re hotter, more charming and a hotshot on the dancefloor after as few as two “Jaeger bombs”. We’re always being told to not worry about what anyone thinks of us, so if we think we’re top shit after a few cans of beer, who’s to tell us we’re not?”
If you feel like feeling great about yourself, why not join Stoke Travel for one of our many alcohol assisted adventures, like Springfest, the great April-May beer festival, or Stoked in the Park, our party program during Pamplona’s running of the bulls. Heck, during most of these parties we provide somewhat free beer, so being the best possible version of you won’t break the bank either. Bottom’s up!
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