Stoke Travel Announces Equally Shitty 2017
If you thought 2016 was bad, Stoke Travel have announced that they would be offering much of the same in 2017, shattering global hopes for an improvement on this year’s fuckedness.
People around the world are hoping that 2016 would just end, investing hope in a generally improved 2017. Stoke Travel, while joining in the global desire for no more Brexits and Trumps, etc, have painted a grim picture for lovers of creature comforts.
“Leaky tents, uncomfortable mattresses, drunk staff — yep, the whole lot,” said Stoke CEO, Toby Paramor. “I mean, we won’t be able to break even if we offer our beloved guests a more comfortable situation. But look, the tents hardly ever leak, and sure the mattresses are uncomfortable and the sleeping bags a bit thin, but every year we improve on the sleeping situation, and come on, this is not the Ritz — everybody arriving at a Stoke Travel tents camp should know what they’re getting themselves into.”
Acknowledging that some 2016 Stoke Travel guests wished Stoke would either improve their accommodations, or just “fuck off and die”, Paramor was dismissive of their desires, calling them a “pack of fucking whingers.”
“Sometimes you get guests who just have a bad time for whatever reason, and we do whatever we can to accommodate their complaints. But some, and we’re talking about a real minority here, some people just want to whinge. It’s like they’ve never fucken been camping before.”
Paramor confirms that Stoke Travel are unapologetic about their accommodations, saying that, “Camping is camping, tents leak, sometimes it’s cold and sometimes it’s hot.”
“If you need the finer things in life, like a good night’s sleep, then maybe you shouldn’t be attending the Running of the Bulls, or Oktoberfest. I mean, these are inherently events that insist on little sleep time — late nights and early mornings, because why waste precious party time sleeping? Throughout Stoke Travel’s history we’ve shown less concern for people’s comfort while they’re asleep, compared to our heavy investment in making sure their waking hours are fucking sick!
“Seriously, nobody wants to go to the Wine Fight, or La Tomatina, or Ibiza, and go home and tell their friends how good a sleep they had. What we work on is creating best times ever, the most fun, the unbridled hedonism that 1000s of guests keep on coming back for, year in, year out.”
Far from being upset by the detractors, Stoke Travel offered an olive branch to those who thought that Europe’s biggest festival travel operator could learn from their complaints.
“To the few, and seriously it’s only a few, guests who have had a bad time at Stoke Travel we want to invite them back, but only under the proviso that they promise to have a good time and maybe abuse the open bar a little so that the lacklustre accommodations feel like the Taj Mahal when you pass out.
“If you can’t have a good time at a Stoke Travel camp then you can’t have a fucken good time. We provide all the ingredients apart from a good night’s sleep — and if that’s what you’re chasing then maybe you’re not cut out for this whole fun thing!”