BREAKING: Stoke Travel Fully Expects You To Tamper With Balls At The London Big Day Out
Yes, those kinds of balls
London, England. Following the Australian cricket team’s utterly disgraceful act in getting caught cheating, Stoke Travel CEO and resident cricket dork, Toby Paramor, has encouraged players at this year’s London Big Day Out to be better at cheating.
“What a shithouse effort,” explained the one-time high school C-division 12th man, “If you’re going to cheat at least have the decency to not get caught! Lance Armstrong won how many Tour de Frances before he got pinged, and these clowns are getting done with a bit of tape down their pants. Imbeciles!”
The scandal couldn’t come at a worse time for Stoke Travel, with interest in their annual backyard cricket tournament hinging around the sport’s respectability.
“Thing is, the London Big Day Out has some semi-serious amateur sports competitions, like rugby and netball, and people get right into them. That’s fine, it’s fun and makes for a good spectacle while you’re sinking tins. But we also have Stoked in the Park, which is our festival inside the Big Day Out, which is just a party – bars, live music, DJs, you name it. Well in Stoked in the Park you’ll find Dad’s Backyard. Dad’s Backyard is just like anybody’s dad’s backyard at home, sausage sizzle, goon of fortune, daggy tunes and backyard cricket. Of course it has to have backyard cricket.
“But interest in backyard cricket goes up and down with game’s prestige, and there’s nothing less prestigious than getting caught cheating. People already consider cricket to be a bit boring and mostly played by dorks, and now they can add that cricketers can’t even cheat properly. Un-bloody-believable.
“That’s why I want to say that at this year’s London Big Day Out I fully expect everybody to tamper with balls, mess around with bats, lube up wickets, I don’t know and I don’t care. Cheat! Take bloody steroids if you want! We’ll allow just about anything so long as it makes the sport of cricket more exciting for the piss heads to play.
“I’ll even buy a beer for the best cheat. The most creative, the most effective. Do whatever it takes to stay in bat the longest, or to bowl out your mates. Heck, if you can cheat your way out of the ‘six and out’ rule I’ll buy you a six pack,” offered Paramor, a nototious tight arse.
Despite Paramor’s concerns, experts are saying that no matter how damaged Australian or international cricket’s reputation becomes, people everywhere will still have a real good time having a backyard bash with their friends. Plenty of people are still expected to come along to our backyard tournament and have a real fun time talking shit, sinking tins and whacking balls.
Stoke Travel’s London Big Day Out, including Stoked in the Park, Dad’s Backyard and cheat-friendly cricket is on the 19th of May in West London. There are early bird tickets still available, so get yourself sorted and then focus on your ball tampering. Australian cricket’s shame is Stoke Travel backyard cricket’s gain!