The Best Passport In The World
The Stoke Travel Passport wins by unanimous decision over all passports
Not all passports are created equal, kind of like men. Harry Styles is way hotter than Harry Connick Jr., but Prince Harry is hotter than them both. Just like passports. Passports are ranked by power, and power is determined by how
many countries the passport can enter without a visa. An Australian passport is worse than a French passport but better than Uruguayan passport, and so it goes.
Now we have our own passport, a Stoke passport, and it’s a pretty slick piece of official documentation. We love it; think just the world of it. It’s currently waiting to be recognised by the United Nations General Assembly as the travel document
of the spiritual state of Stokemenistan, but while we’re waiting for the bureaucrats to turn their attention from Kony to us, we thought we’d pit the Stoke Travel passport against some of the world’s other great travel documents.
Yeah, sure, a UK passport will allow you visa-free entry to 147 countries, and the Stoke Passport zero, but with the Stoke Passport you won’t be in a French bistro whinging about the lack of bacon, eggs and good baked beans and you’re less likely to suffer crippling sunburn than you would if you were a UK passport holder.
Result: Stoke for the baguette and bronzed win.
Stoke Passport VS Switzerland
One year we were driving from Barcelona to Munich for Oktoberfest with a car full of merchandise, T-shirts and the like. We went through Switzerland because we like fondue, and were obviously stopped at the border because we looked like legends. The border guard went through the car and pulled out one shirt and looked at it like it was the weirdest thing in the world, and said, “What do you mean, ‘Your tent or mine?’” If he had a Stoke passport he would have completely known what we meant, nudge nudge, wink wink.
Result: Another tent swapping victory for the Stoke Passport.
Stoke Passport VS Lesotho
While the idea of a nation full of lesbian sloths does sound appealing, there’s no way that their passport is better than the Stoke Passport. It’s just not natural. Not one lesbian panther? No bisexual baboons? A transgender tarantula? Stop with the discrimination, Lesotho.
Result: Stoke edges out the dykes with mites.
Stoke Passport VS Nicaragua
Nicaragua? I hardly know her.
Result: Stoke edges ahead with our classic lack of presumptuousness.
There are obviously many other nations that we could compare against the Stoke Passport, but what would the point be? We’re not the bragging kind who wants to go around dissing other passports, pissing on their pages like a proud polecat.
Nah fuck it, we totally are.
Stoke Passport VS Your passport
Look, the Stoke Passport won’t get you in and out of countries, but it will get you
into festivals and parties and out of restrictive travel plans, and while the Stoke Passport won’t save your arse in a third world prison, it will save you piles of travelling dosh and tone up that arse through dancing, so that it’s prison ready.
Unlike your passport, the issuers of the Stoke Passports won’t request that you act abroad in a manner befitting your government, just in a manner that befits whatever the heck-darn hell you want it to befit. The Stoke Travel Passport doesn’t judge you like your passport does, it lets you be you for you, because you’re perfect just the way you are, baby.
The Stoke Travel Passport is valid for 24 months from your nominated starting date and is good for three nights at your chosen festivals, with more than 20 to choose from. The Stoke Travel Passport entitles the bearer to free booze, and is guaranteed to lead you to the best times of your life. It is obviously the best passport in the world.